Thursday, April 29, 2010

I can't want to....

Several years ago, when I was going through my divorce, I had a dear friend that went to church with me and lived just down the street. She had a four year old daughter at the time who had a phrase I just loved. “I can’t want to” I use that phrase when I really can’t get motivated to do something. I just can’t want to.

Lately, I just can’t want to do a lot of things. I can’t want to clean this house. After all, it just gets dusty again, and the dog hair comes back and needs vacuuming again. The clothes pile up in the basket and the bathroom gets cruddy all over again.

I can’t want to make the phone calls I need to book a hotel room for us on our way out of Hawaii and our way into Rhode Island. I can’t want to call the bank and see what’s involved in getting a release of lien so I can take the car we still owe money on out of the state of Hawaii and back to the mainland.

I can’t want to take my daughter to Texas and leave her after having her in the next room for 19 years. It’s not the empty nest that bothers me, I have the 15 yr old coming to live with is simply the fact of letting her go. My husband doesn’t get it. He keeps telling me this is what you raised her to do, to be a responsible adult and live her life. I get that, I really do, but I’m still going to miss her. This is a pattern for me. Every time a kid left home, I’ve gone into a funk. I’m a mom, I can’t help it.

I think I can’t want to do anything else right now, because I can’t want to let her go. I didn’t realize where it was coming from until I sat here and started typing it out. So, instead of sitting around in a dirty house with laundry piled up, I think I’ll get started getting things done and enjoy these last two months in Hawaii, with my beautifully grown up daughter, and start looking forward to the next chapter of all our lives and move on.

A picture of the kid with her dog. Oh look, she has the dog on the furniture. Maybe I won't miss her after all!


USMCWIFE said...

Wow! At first I thought that was you in the pic..I can't want to let my boy go either, I am crying as I type this so happy someone else understands how I feel. I only have to do this once and I think it may be the single hardest thing I ever have to do. I know I am a bit in denial because I think if I was really dealing with it I would be a ball on the floor. The saying, "the day you decide to become a mother is the day you decide to walk around with the heart on the outside of your body" has never meant so much. My hubs says the same thing your does but I honestly think he is in more denial than I am.

Nikki D said...

As for "can't wanting" to clean the house...I vote for don't! Look at dust as a protective barrier for your furniture... :D Personally, I have a team of angry, killer dust bunnies protecting my home...

...besides that, at this point (with everything you do), don't you deserve like a maid or something? Might want to see if you can requisition that. I know you can't get them to put a wet bar in the unit conference room (I've asked, lol)...but a maid is a perfectly reasonable request. At least in my mind. Just sayin'.

My mother sides with you about the "letting go" thing. She keeps telling me I'm responsible and she's proud of me...and then bawls when we leave GB. (I do remind her that she can come live with me...although I do THAT out of earshot of the hubby -how he's still in the will, I do not know *smirk*) But I can also understand that, even without children of my own, because right now I WANT MY MOMMY! =)

deep breath. Something something about not doing everything all at once. Something something about being just whelmed, it's okay (as opposed to be running at full throttle all the time and being overwhelmed). {Sorry, not so good with the advice. However, if you need a dose of sarcasm...}

Just...deep breath. And maybe a Spa Day?...

Mindee said...

This gives me hope that I'll reach a place where I'll be SAD to see my daughter go. ;)