Catching Up

I am so far behind in blogging that I don't even know where to begin. I wonder though, is anyone even out there anymore?
I went to visit my mom several weeks ago and attended a park bench dedication in honor of my dad who was a volunteer in this park.

My dad, and the other Master Gardeners in their little town, met once a week to plant, weed and do general maintenance on a beautiful city park. So, the gardeners donated this in memory of my father.

It was a beautiful summer day and was one that my dad would've enjoyed.

Here is the inscription that dedicates the bench to my dad.

My mom, sister and me enjoying the day at the park.

We all shed a few tears as the group took turns speaking of my dad. There were several laughs that morning too. My dad was a joyous man and would have wanted us to laugh. The funniest part was when the guy speaking said "It's ironic that we are putting a bench out here for Paul, because the man never sat down."

He's right. My dad was a hard worker. I learned so much from him. My love of the outdoors, growing things and playing in the dirt and my strong work ethic. Most of all, I learned that life is full of joy and should be enjoyed with those you love.

In the next few days, I will try to post more of the things that have been going and that have been neglected. I am also going to try to catch up on reading some of my favorite blogs! I've missed you guys!!

Keepin' On

First, let me say thank you to everyone who posted sweet comments or sent thoughtful emails to me regarding my last post and the passing of my dad. I have received such an outpouring of love, from my "virtual" friends as well as my real life buddies. I am truly blessed.

Secondly, I want to address my follow up visit to the hospital. I realized, after someone asked me about it, that I never finished that story.

As soon as I came home from Arkansas, my husband pushed me to re-schedule the follow up mammogram. I had it done a few days later.

The second scan was followed by an ultra sound. They never said why, and I didn't ask. I remained calm because there was nothing to be done until I heard it all, right?

The ultra sound showed nothing. I had a real doctor do the ultra sound, something that is not always done in the Army. Our Army doctors are taking care of wounded Soldiers, and I understand that. But, this time, I got the expert. He found a spot and said, there it is.. that's the one I'm looking for. Then he said, no, it's just a cyst. Cysts are good, they're not cancer and they don't bother anyone. Those were his words.

He went on to say that because of the density of my breast tissue, I would probably always need a second scan and possibly an ultra sound because it's hard to read it with just a mammogram. I said, that's fine, I'll be happy to have you smash, poke, scan and smear that gel all over the girls to get a good reading.

As for the rest of me, I'm doing as well as can be expected. I'm staying very busy with all my volunteer activities, not to mention my friends and family. I'm planning another trip in a few weeks to visit my mom and help her with some more business stuff and just spend some time with her.

I'm getting on with my life. I'm taking care of my family and other things I'm committed to. That's what my dad would expect. It's what he would have wanted.

The Worst Day Ever

I have been putting off writing this post. I knew it would be emotional, but I just couldn't seem to sit down and write about it. Even now, before I'm even started well, my stomach hurts. I had to do it though, because daily, I think of things I want to blog about, but it didn't seem right to keep writing about every day life when my heart is breaking and I haven't talked about the worst day of my life so far.

Thursday, April 12, started off rocky. I hadn't slept well in three nights and I was cranky, tired and emotional. To top it all off, I felt a cold sore coming.  I had just had one a month earlier and I was like.. "really, again?" 

Then, early afternoon, the hospital called and said I needed a second mammogram, and it needed to be tomorrow. Nothing scary about that, right?  I broke down and cried. I called my husband at work and I never do that.  I talked to my friend Carla and cried to her. She reassured me and reminded me that she's living proof that you can get through breast cancer, if that was even a thought to me.  Nick reassured me as well and told me to lie down and take a nap. He knew I hadn't been sleeping well and that I was exhausted.

I had just taken to the couch with my blankie when my cell phone rang. My sister's name popped up. My sister never calls me. I knew something was wrong. I didn't answer. I wanted to put whatever it was off a little longer. I really thought I couldn't take whatever it was. She left a voice mail, I listened to it and all she said was "call me as soon as you can"  I didn't.

I put my head back down and no more than five minutes later, the back door opens and Nick came in. I knew then it was serious. She had called him. I said oh gosh, did my sister call you? He said yes. I told him it must be bad and he told me my dad had suffered a stroke. Now my dad has had heart disease for years. Heart attacks, open heart surgery, stints etc and has always bounced back. A stroke threw me. I literally lost it. I was sobbing, crying out NO!  Then it dawned on me, I didn't ask how bad it was. I said "He's going to be alright, isn't he?"  Nick said, no babe, he's not.  Then I realized he might already be gone. He said no, but they don't expect him to make it through the night.

Suffice it to say that I was hysterical. The thought of losing my dad was heart breaking.

To make a long story a little shorter, I flew out that night, arrived in Arkansas the next morning in time for them to wheel my dad to test his brain function. He had none. We took him off the life support after telling him our tearful good-byes. It was the worst thing I've ever been through.

It's been over three weeks and it is still so raw and so painful I wonder if I will ever get over it. And my poor mother, if it hurts me like this, how is she living through it? 

The three days after my dad's passing were a blur. Funeral plans, so many people coming by, so much food, so many tears. It was overwhelming.

I will write more about his service later. For now, I have typed out and seen in print that my dad is gone. Maybe I can finish the story of his leaving this world and be able to move on with my thoughts.

My positive encouragement?  My dad was the most Godly man I know. There is no doubt in my mind that he is singing with the angels now and is happier than any of us left here behind.

Here is a photo of my dad, mom and me last October when they came here to visit. It was taken on our drive up Mt. Rainier. My dad had just said something silly and made us laugh. I love to remember him this way.