Keepin' On

First, let me say thank you to everyone who posted sweet comments or sent thoughtful emails to me regarding my last post and the passing of my dad. I have received such an outpouring of love, from my "virtual" friends as well as my real life buddies. I am truly blessed.

Secondly, I want to address my follow up visit to the hospital. I realized, after someone asked me about it, that I never finished that story.

As soon as I came home from Arkansas, my husband pushed me to re-schedule the follow up mammogram. I had it done a few days later.

The second scan was followed by an ultra sound. They never said why, and I didn't ask. I remained calm because there was nothing to be done until I heard it all, right?

The ultra sound showed nothing. I had a real doctor do the ultra sound, something that is not always done in the Army. Our Army doctors are taking care of wounded Soldiers, and I understand that. But, this time, I got the expert. He found a spot and said, there it is.. that's the one I'm looking for. Then he said, no, it's just a cyst. Cysts are good, they're not cancer and they don't bother anyone. Those were his words.

He went on to say that because of the density of my breast tissue, I would probably always need a second scan and possibly an ultra sound because it's hard to read it with just a mammogram. I said, that's fine, I'll be happy to have you smash, poke, scan and smear that gel all over the girls to get a good reading.

As for the rest of me, I'm doing as well as can be expected. I'm staying very busy with all my volunteer activities, not to mention my friends and family. I'm planning another trip in a few weeks to visit my mom and help her with some more business stuff and just spend some time with her.

I'm getting on with my life. I'm taking care of my family and other things I'm committed to. That's what my dad would expect. It's what he would have wanted.

The Worst Day Ever

I have been putting off writing this post. I knew it would be emotional, but I just couldn't seem to sit down and write about it. Even now, before I'm even started well, my stomach hurts. I had to do it though, because daily, I think of things I want to blog about, but it didn't seem right to keep writing about every day life when my heart is breaking and I haven't talked about the worst day of my life so far.

Thursday, April 12, started off rocky. I hadn't slept well in three nights and I was cranky, tired and emotional. To top it all off, I felt a cold sore coming.  I had just had one a month earlier and I was like.. "really, again?" 

Then, early afternoon, the hospital called and said I needed a second mammogram, and it needed to be tomorrow. Nothing scary about that, right?  I broke down and cried. I called my husband at work and I never do that.  I talked to my friend Carla and cried to her. She reassured me and reminded me that she's living proof that you can get through breast cancer, if that was even a thought to me.  Nick reassured me as well and told me to lie down and take a nap. He knew I hadn't been sleeping well and that I was exhausted.

I had just taken to the couch with my blankie when my cell phone rang. My sister's name popped up. My sister never calls me. I knew something was wrong. I didn't answer. I wanted to put whatever it was off a little longer. I really thought I couldn't take whatever it was. She left a voice mail, I listened to it and all she said was "call me as soon as you can"  I didn't.

I put my head back down and no more than five minutes later, the back door opens and Nick came in. I knew then it was serious. She had called him. I said oh gosh, did my sister call you? He said yes. I told him it must be bad and he told me my dad had suffered a stroke. Now my dad has had heart disease for years. Heart attacks, open heart surgery, stints etc and has always bounced back. A stroke threw me. I literally lost it. I was sobbing, crying out NO!  Then it dawned on me, I didn't ask how bad it was. I said "He's going to be alright, isn't he?"  Nick said, no babe, he's not.  Then I realized he might already be gone. He said no, but they don't expect him to make it through the night.

Suffice it to say that I was hysterical. The thought of losing my dad was heart breaking.

To make a long story a little shorter, I flew out that night, arrived in Arkansas the next morning in time for them to wheel my dad to test his brain function. He had none. We took him off the life support after telling him our tearful good-byes. It was the worst thing I've ever been through.

It's been over three weeks and it is still so raw and so painful I wonder if I will ever get over it. And my poor mother, if it hurts me like this, how is she living through it? 

The three days after my dad's passing were a blur. Funeral plans, so many people coming by, so much food, so many tears. It was overwhelming.

I will write more about his service later. For now, I have typed out and seen in print that my dad is gone. Maybe I can finish the story of his leaving this world and be able to move on with my thoughts.

My positive encouragement?  My dad was the most Godly man I know. There is no doubt in my mind that he is singing with the angels now and is happier than any of us left here behind.

Here is a photo of my dad, mom and me last October when they came here to visit. It was taken on our drive up Mt. Rainier. My dad had just said something silly and made us laugh. I love to remember him this way.

Priorities....

Can it seriously have been almost a month since I last posted?  I'm a bad blogger. I think of things to write about, then don't make time to sit down and write it. Is it possible to be that overwhelmed?

I have a lot going on. That's just the way it is. Most of it I do to myself. I volunteer. A LOT. So many things are important to me and I want to participate in everything!  However, that means you have to be uber organized and so far, I'm struggling with that.

So, I figured out that I need to treat my life and volunteer activities as I would a full time paying job. I need to prioritize my list of things to do and schedule them, on my calendar, to finish them.

Honestly, the prioritizing has been difficult. I realized that to do anything well, I need to let a few things go. I don't want to end up doing lots of stuff, but nothing gets done very well. So, I let a few things go. I have also admitted that I can't do it all, and asked for help. I have several people in every organization that wants to help, so I'm letting them. It's very liberating to be able to pass something off to a willing helper and it makes them feel good too.

I have allowed myself to be nominated for the president's position on our spouses club board next year. I am seriously pumped about this opportunity and excited to see what we can do next year. However, it is a big time consuming thing. So, I have made myself schedule specific times during the week to sit down and focus on club work. Other scheduled events, besides the obvious meetings, are answering email, organizing my calendar so everything fits in, and paperwork. Oh the paperwork. If I don't keep up with board reports, agendas, minutes etc, I get so far behind I can't see ahead anymore. Not to mention housework. I am seriously putting on my calendar things like laundry, clean the bathroom etc.

So, that's what I'm working on now. I'm planning my system to be more organized with my time. If you have calendar tips, lists etc that help you stay on track, please share! I'd love to hear them.